Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Kaida Personal posts’ Category

The one thing that has strained my relationship with my mother is something she doesn’t even know about. I think that’s sort of unfair. For the past three years I’ve found it hard to call or text my mother now that I live out of state and it’s not because of the distance. I finally dedicated myself to a faith system that I fulfills me and makes me happy. Sadly, if I ever let it slip to my mother, it could very easily bring down my entire life.

Last week, I spend some time with my mother at home. We talked about my life and some of my friends I talked about and she relished that she couldn’t place where I met them. Other friends I could tell her “oh I met them in class,” or “They’re my roommate’s friend.” While talking about my friends (coven member) I spent most of the time, side stepping the subject of ages. “Right, mom, remember when I told you I played Dungeons and Dragons (not a lie)? I met friends online and we get together every so often to play (the lie).”

My mother’s knowledge of paganism is limited yet she knows enough to catch me in a lie. A friend recently moved out (a fellow coven member – she knows who she is if she’s reading) who had a bundle of sage that managed to make it out on the kitchen counter blending in with a pile of junk mail. My mother comes in and picks it up and remarks about it and about cleansing rituals and such. I feigned ignorance, blamed it on the room mate, said she thought it would be a good idea to do that as she knows of the practice from her Native American heritage but never really got around to it. It was all a lie/truth combo that i thought worked out rather well.  Mother continued to talk about it saying it was a good idea but also mentioning that burning sage was something in Wicca and (here I’m paraphrasing) “that they pray to some sort of goddess of light but it’s all pointless because anyone praying to anything other than the one true God and Jesus was just shouting into the wind. Also stupid.”

I changed the subject very easily and gave her a big hug as she left for the car. It all felt so empty. I said goodbye and as she pulled away, my heart hurt.

For years, I’ve been dreaming of telling her in a way that would not hurt our relationship. I even had nightmares about being outted by misplaced books or other untrustworthy people letting something slip. Once, I even had a nightmare of being in what I can only describe as a Salem witch trial (in full period dress) and my mom standing beside, innocent but would die alongside me. I woke up feeling horrible thinking about how I could never tell her these things.

The closest thing I will ever get is that I took her to the same restaurant where I met with my coven every week just of a different day. I’ve done it twice now and, in its own way, it really is a rush.

-Kaida

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

So as a past  post may have given you the heads up, my life recently turned upside down. Here is a small list of things going on in my life recently

Got a new job. For a while it was over 40 ours a week at minimum wage. It was hard for me to adjust to that due to my extremely sedentary lifestyle before hand. Things have now settled down into the part time schedule I need and alls good now.

The school I was attending has failed me. They are unable to give me classes. I am officially dropping out of that school and planning to write a very nasty letter to the dean about it.

My roommate and best friend of all my life graduated and moved out. I miss her already and it hasn’t even been that long.

We found two roommates (a couple) to take over her part of the rent and essentially lowering what we have to pay. They lived on our couch for three months until the room was open and as of yesterday they were able to move into the bedroom… Also yesterday when they told us that they will need to move out. The one has a problem in her family that is calling her home and to drop out of school. The other doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship so  is going along with her. (I have a lot to say on this and how stupid and immature they are being but I’ll let it go because it’s just too long to explain and it doesn’t really matter) This leaves us with our share of the rent going up drastically. We have July covered and august may be a problem but my mom said she will help us out…

Which leads me to the best part…

Good news, I’m engaged. Happened this past Saturday and I couldn’t be happier. My High Priestess offered to do a hand fasting (shes done quite a few) but that would not go over very well with the family so I’ll need to so something a little more Christian. But we may end up doing the hand fasting anyway for my coven family to attend. He’s cool with my religion and likes everyone in the group so that’s awesome.

So that’s Kaida’s life in a nutshell. Thought I’d tell you…

Read Full Post »

So life hit me with a a huge truc called employment. I need to regroup myself and get my own life together with this new schedual time eatter. I got some ideas for new blog posts but i need the time to write and edit them. Ill get back to you…
On the plus side, i may now buy the domain name for the blog now that i have income… So theres that
Anyway
Light and love and all that jazz to you all
– Kaida

Read Full Post »

I attended a Christan school from 5th grade though 12th. Sort of giving  away a lot about myself by talking about this. if anyone out there that know me, they will recognize me and blogging under a sudo-name will be for nothing.

I would like to tell you all about the horrible time I spent at that school.

When I started at that school, Pokemon was a big thing. My first week, a pastor came in telling us Pokemon was evil, that the Japanese are evil people for making Pokemon and that it was of the devil because of Lavender town and the ghosts. There were some right out lies said about the game series. Everyone gave me back the Pokemon pencils I passed out on my first day to make friends. I did not give over all of my Pokemon stuff to be burned when the pastor called for them next week and thus no one talked to me for 3 years.

In 7th grade we had to have a permission slip sighed by out parents to read The Hobbit due to the nature of magic in the book.  On my own I read Harry Potter and Stephen King. I remember my moms face when I handed that thing over to her.

I died my hair black and became a goth. I was a ragefull teenager with a metric-crap-ton of bad poetry and drawings to express my anger. At school I was asked if I worshiped Satan because I died my hair black and carried a purse made of duck tape and bumper stickers.

In 8th the time that I was called to the office over a series of comics I drew about a man in an insane asylum. After leaving me to wait for three hours and he chatted up investers to help sponcer the building of our school, the principal told me that mental illness was a subject I should think about it because it’s evil and that man needed to be prayed over. He then prayed over me and asked me if I would draw nice thinks like children playing. I drew him a picture of the three girls jumping rope, you know like from A Nightmare on Elm Street, my favorite movie at the time.

In 9th grade I got detention for wearing a shirt with faeries on it. The teacher referred to them as gargoyles on the detention slip.

In 10th grade. The principal pulling me aside while I was an aid in the office to tell me that having a seasonal Halloween job was dangerous because that’s the Devil’s Birthday. What would he have said to the fact that I dressed as Jack the Ripper that year?

Or the time I watched school officials reading over an application of a student, seeing they were Mormon and then having a good laugh and tossing out the request.

11th grade marked the arrival of a teacher that would turn me off of conservatives forever. The teacher who used the same tactics that cults use to brain wash people used them on us. He convinced a student that his father had a demon in him. Yeah, this guy taught me economics. All we did was talk about how much Hillary Clinton was a raving bitch, how gay people want to turn everyone gay and that atheists wanted us to eat aborted fetuses because that’s how stem cell research works.

During high school school, for extra credit in my American History class, the assignment was to research a religion, explain their faith and describe how to convert them to Christianity. I wrote about Wicca and got a C because I couldn’t find a reason someone would convert from it so the paper was left unfinished. I think part of me was to do more research of what I wanted. I wish I still had a copy of that paper to laugh over.

How has this school effected me? I don’t know anything about evolution other then how to debunk it using scripture. Honestly, I do believe in creationism but though a universal spirit as the origin. I think it’s because I don’t know any better.

I know I have some unresolved issues with Christianity that may attribute to me becoming pagan, but honestly I think I lucked out for the better. I am now everything that they hate. If I just slim down a few pounds, i cant wait for the 10year reunion. In high school I promised myself I’d put a bomb under everyone’s cars, but I’m thinking i just might show up and give a big old f— you middle finger to everyone. That’s the only bomb I want to drop. That thought is enough…

Thanks for reading about my so many unresolved anger issues.

-Kaida-

Read Full Post »

This year marks the 15th anniversary of the movie that that touched my heart and instilled in my a life long love of film. A movie I know every line, every panning establishing shot, and every note of music due to the fact I watched it over and over again though my jr. and early high school years. I’m talking about Titanic.

Oh yeah, and this also marks the 100 years for the disaster. All week I have been crying on about how I neeeed to see the 3D re-release. Though I’m a big critic of anything 3D, nothing has my blood pumping like going to see titanic in theaters again. Sadly, I sort of let myself forget about the tragedy. It was only tonight that I looked up and thought about April 14th and what it means to me. There were a few years that I took the anniversary very serious and observed it with all the respect it deserves but lately, whenever that date pops up, I remark on the sinking and move on. But it’s not just some numbers written on a sketch of a naked girl in a movie. It is the night where many lost their lives.
When the realization of the date hit me, the night was nearly over. I jumped up out of my chair with the intense need to tell someone. I sent some text to a few friends and my mother when i thought “maybe I should do a small memorial rite.” I got together a few stuff on the fly and went out to the balcony.

I filled my new offering bowl with water. I found a small pink flower left over from an Ostara rite last year. Along with a small candle, I went outside. I said a few words that included thing like “I have no apparent connection to the people who died other then that I’ve been fascinated with the story since I saw the movie but I feel compelled to remember them and their lives lost.” I also ran out of thoughts of what I wanted to say so i ended it with “what can I say that hasn’t been said in 100 years?”

I lit the candle and hit play on my iPod to the song, “nearer my god to thee” the song from the Titanic sound track and commonly accepted as the last song played by the band on the ship as it went down. I placed the flower in the water to let it float and i sat in silent remembrance and as the song ended and you hear the part of the movie where the band leader says, “Gentlemen. It has been a privilege playing with you tonight.” I left the candle burning and went back inside.

All in all, it was very nice. I may do one for next year, maybe plan it out a little better, but what I did was just simple and perfect. I hope this inspires you.

-Kaida

Read Full Post »

Starting out in the world of Witchcraft can be intoxicating. You reach out to the Gods and Goddesses and the universe explodes with delight that your are listining. You delight in the passing of each day, the lunar cycle becomes more real then calender months. Seasons have new life, stars shine brighter and each sabbat on the wheel of the year feels like a special holiday. In my first 8 months of my pagan journey,I found myself eager for full moons and sabbats when they came around, writing out rituals and planning spells to do. I improvised tools i needed, even so far as to using unorthodox items i either found or created (more on that in later posts)

Regular practice is necessary but also hard.

I joined a wonderful and loving coven. I met some people that i feel are truly close to my heart and learned a great deal about practice and the over all community. I became so wrapped up in the coven I sort of lost some of my own passion in practice.  I have found that preparing for sabbats end up being that I print out my part of the group ritual and remembering to bring soda for the after rite social. I became rather passive and stale. My meditations, thought i was instructed to do them at least three times a week, petered out and became bi-weekly occurrences. I observed the full moon with the tracker on my iGoogle homepage and skimmed though the pagan blogs I read every so often.

I placed most the blame for my slip on school work and graduation and hiding my practice from a far-away yet still over-baring Christan parent who would cut me off financially if she ever found out. (being part of a coven I love, I had to tip toe around the fact that people i became friends and wanted to tell her about are in their 40’s and also explain why i went to so many picnics).

Beginning this year I began to take a reassessment of my spiritual life and found that I was lacking in many ways. I did some soul searching and looked deep within to figure out some very important things about myself. Yes I am a coven witch, but I am a solitary human being. I decided to treat each passing sabbat the way I used to, meditation on my bus rides and before bed and communicating with my deities more. Though I haven’t done a full out ritual in months, I have been giving thanks to the deities as well as keeping up with studies and doing Book of Shadow works. My meditations have become more regular and frequent as well as much more revealing and helpful.  Yet even where I fell into my passive slump, I do feel that I did small things every day such as raising energy on my walk to the bus or giving a smile and bow of the head to the full moon every once in a while.

The poessess has been hard but very rewarding. I feel better in every way and the fire of my passion has come back to me. I hope this little bit of my journey has helped you on your path.
Recently, I have come back into doing my own stuff.

Read Full Post »

Hey there Pagan Internet

I am officially re-launching the blog today. Over the past year since I created this blog, I have gone though some changes; my god and goddess have revealed themselves to me, I found a wonderful coven where I feel at home and graduated from college.

Sadly, my pagan blog sort of went bland. I think where I fell down is that I had a jumbled idea of what I wanted the blog to be. I tried to be informative with my Dixie Cup Pagan entries. I tried to take stances on issues facing the pagan community but I never really got to them on time. There are much better blogs that do such a better job then I could ever do as a pagan activist, fighting for equality in the religious scene.

What am I really good at? Writing stupid and sometimes witty things.

So I did create a personal blog to keep some of my personal and non pagan things out of this blog (I will not link it here) What I am all about is the internet. I as a citizen of the internet nation speak in memes and am very connected to the inner workings of the culture as a whole.

So that is what this will be. many more that I think that someone teen-age and though college age may relate to. This will Kaida’s journal will continue being a pagan/wiccan/polytheistic blog but I will no longer try to be something I’m not by imitating other blogs. I may get outraged at something and news and post it here and I may post some how-to’s. You may see a rage comic, advice animal, or just a bunch of YouTube links with minor commentary. Most of all I’m just going to be myself.

Thanks for reading

-Kaida

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: